I looked at my phone ringing. I smiled wickedly.
What will I say now? For a long time, we’ve not had any sensible discussion on
phone, so why is he suddenly calling me now?
Should I pick this call?
No, I’m not picking it, let him suffer, let him be confused. The bible says let all that
rise up against me be confounded.
After he called three times and I didn’t pick up. I got a text from him which read thus:
What nonsense did you just do? Making me a laughing stock to everyone.
Disgraceful stunt. Oh ok. Strike one. You do your own, I’ll do mine.
I just laughed, I have always been the one calling him, he used to be the one cutting
my calls. Then I’ll send him abusive text messages.
He used to tell me I was immature. Now who is immature?
Baba Jay and Pastor, thank you very much. Nice lessons.
I picked up my phone and I typed my reply. “Oga, I thought you said I am the
monopoly of immaturity, check you text again. Yeah strike one”
I was about to send the text when I saw my notepad again. Awwh, this text failed all
It’s not blind.
It’s not abnormal.
Has no love in it.
It’s not dumb.
It occurred to me that if I take the first letter of every point BLIND, ABNORMAL,
LOVE, DUMB = BALD
So, my text must be bald. I picked my phone and changed my message.
“Hope the food was manageable? Sorry I didn’t have time to really cook. Please
always tell me when we are having guest so I can prepare well”.
Now that message complies with my new found motor. Bald….
I sent the message, as I was getting delivery notification, I was also getting my
Wow I have become a celeb, my husband’s phone is permanently open to my
message and he is replying fast.
If I had known these points all along, I won’t have been the only one suffering.
His reply reads “”you think this is a game to you, you are now mad”.
I burst into laughter, he is angry and don’t know what to write. This is going to be my
best night in months.
But I couldn’t sleep, he was not back and I know when he is angry, he drives like a
maniac. I just hope he won’t be involved in auto-crash before I even start my bald
treatment for him.
At 12:55am his majesty stumbled in, drunk to stupor.
I can’t sleep, I can’t practice my Bald treatment on a drunk, he didn’t even appreciate
the fact that I didn’t pour hot water on him.
His phone was by his side, he had always used passwords for every application.
Just as I was about to leave him, a call came into his phone. I picked it quickly.
The caller said “hello my sugar, my love, my desire”.
It was a female voice.
Ahhh, what nonsense. I replied her…..
May your sugar turn charcoal. May your love turn to sorrow. May your desire turn
into a psychiatric patient, you this useless excuse of a human being…….. let me stop
here, the other words I used can’t be read by the holy eyes. But just imagine……
I was still vibrating on the phone, abusing the caller…..
It never occurred to me that the girl had cut the phone.
It never occurred to me that I was screaming.
Or that my scream woke up my drunk husband.
The next thing I felt was woosh!!!!!
I saw stars then I blanked out.
This monster just slapped me.
This good for nothing drunk just slapped me…..
Abeg, forget blind or dumb, this one is feeling.
I went straight to the kitchen…..
What can I use to teach this man a lesson?………
Author: Femi Oluyamoju