The question just asked by Pastor was very difficult for me to answer.
Who is to be blamed for the problem in my marriage, is it my husband who I do not
have control over or is it myself who I have control over?
But I know for sure that I had not controlled myself as much as I should have.
I looked at Pastor and his wife, they were holding one another again.
We left the kitchen for the sitting room and I saw Baba Jay and his amiable wife
playing and laughing. So oblivious to the world.
These guys are having a happy marriage. Do I really want to have their kind of
marriage or do I want to be stuck in my kind of painful, bitter marriage?
It dawned on me that if I want to be like them, then I have to be the change in my
So, while we were returning to our seats as a group, I blurted out “I am the problem,
I am the issue in my marriage. I should have controlled myself better. I should have
brought clean water when my husband was pouring dirty water. My marriage would
not have been as colored as it is now, if I have done my own part”
Trust me, the tears had started again.
With my own confession, it seems I had opened the opportunity for every other
person to confess.
We all started saying it is our fault, we were the one that should have done better in
our marriages. Enough of blaming the other partner every time. It takes two to tango
Then we called on Pastor, “please help us”.
What should we do to have a happy marriage?
Pastor smiled, then told us “that was exactly how I felt after my first day of discussion
with Baba Jay.
It also dawned on me that if my wife was sleeping with various men, going from night
club to night club, from party to party and never at home then I should stop blaming
I have my fault too. If I have made the house to be as beautiful as a nightclub and I
have made the daytime in the house to be as fine as a party, then she will have no
excuse to go out again.
She will stay at home with me because I have made the house conducive for the kind
of person she is.
Though she wants to pour colored water into our marriage, I can decide from now on
to open the tap of clean water and keep pouring it into our marriage.
Pastor nudged his wife to talk.
Pastor’s wife smiled, her face lightened up, I knew we were about to hear another
She started, “I had gone to work and arranged with my friends another rendezvous
at our popular night club that night.”
Unknown to me, my husband had gone to the market to buy colored lights, the type
used in clubs, he also got fruit wines and very loud Christian rap music.
One of my office sex partners dropped me off at the house. Not this house, our
rented apartment then. It’s down the road from here, very close to the roundabout.
As soon as I entered the house, it was as if I had missed my way. The apartment was
bubbling with loud rap music. I love rap music seriously.
The sitting room all the way to the toilet and bedroom was dark-lit with red, green
On the table was dinner, with bottle of wine and ice cubes. I was surprised.
So, this man too has started clubbing, he must be expecting friends, I decided I won’t
go to club that night because I want to see what will happen.
I had my own room, so I went inside, locked the door and waited for 2 hours. By the
time I came out, my husband was alone in the sitting room.
I looked at the table, the dinner is still there. The wine and all.
Ahh this man wants to poison me; I ran back into my room. But that was the
beginning of my husband breaking me down into what I am today.
Now it’s Pastor s turn to give us the final words for today’s lecture.
He told us, “you asked me what you should do?
What I want you to do, is to go home now and become dumb like Baba Jay and
become blind like Mama Jay.
Secondly, decide that from today you will pass so much love, so much sweetness, so
much care, so much understanding, so much positive emotions into your marriage to
counter every negative emotion that your husband or your wife might be pouring
into your marriage.
We thanked Pastor and we all dispersed to our various houses.
I was happy. It is time to go and practice what I have just learnt on my husband. That
guy is in trouble. I will spoil him with love. I will scatter his brain with care. I will
disarm him with understanding.
As soon as I got close to the house, I knew there was a problem. I have always known
that my husband is a devil, he is a monster. Demons are working with him.
Right in front of my house, in the full glare of the entire neighborhood, was my
husband with a table set.
He was drinking beer with two ladies and he was not hiding the fact that he was
cheating on his wife.
When did he come back from work that he had started drinking outside the house
with ladies? This time around he did not even go to club. He didn’t hide it from the
glare of everybody in the street.
This is a serious affront to my person and my dignity as a woman.
How would other women around view me, I’ll be seen as a failed woman, a woman
who cannot control her home.
Just some few days ago, I was a spectacle who fell into the drainage. Few hours later
my bags were packed out. A day later my husband was seen drinking with girls
Hmmmm and I am supposed to be blind and dumb……
My heart was beating as if it wants to come out of my mouth.
The blood had drained from my legs, it seems my legs were made of lead.
The hairs of my head were already standing. I must be looking like a ghost now.
I am not going to take this nonsense, no I will not take this rubbish.
Every human being deserves at a minimum, some form of respect.
Author: Femi Oluyamoju